ME VS ANXIETY

This week has been a pretty up and down week. I've felt anxious but unable to pin point the reason and I've felt emotional, although when trying to cry I felt like I was forcing tears out of me and crying like a 3 year old that didn't get their own way (does anyone else get that?!). I've questioned the majority of my life and I've reverted to scrolling mindlessly through social media because I can't find the motivation to throw myself in to anything else.

When I'm feeling like this, I seem to have a battle with myself as to whether it's "okay" to feel like this. On one hand I'm like, come on, pull yourself together, there are worse things in this world and you're so lucky to be here. And then on the other hand, I'm like, it's okay to be sad, just chill, be sad, worry a bit and ride it out, everyone has their own shit to sort out, you do too.  

My conclusion was; of course it's okay to be sad, to worry, to feel lost, to have days where bed seems like the safest option. But what's most important, is your willingness and your drive to want to feel like you again. I'm a firm believer in that you can't be helped if you're not willing to help yourself. 

So, in a bid to "pull myself together" I've really realised this week what helps and what really doesn't help and I've tried to keep my distance from those "bad things" as much as possible. I've made a list below incase anyone can relate. 

THINGS THAT DO HELP:

- the gym

- podcasts

- my dog

- talking to other people about their lives

- work

- eating well (by well I mean eating fresh, healthy food)

THINGS THAT DO NOT HELP:

- caffeinated coffee

- social media. not in the slightest. sorry.

- letting your thoughts wander

- food filled with sugar

- alcohol 

My tip? Find something that interests you, that distracts you, that you want to get lost in. Whether it be a book, a podcast, the gym, walking, yoga, planning a holiday/trip...DO IT! And once you've done it once, do it again, and again, and again because if it helps - it's one thing that can keep you feeling like you.

HAPPINESS

Over the past couple of years, and especially the last couple of months, it's hit home how much you truly and solely are in charge of your own happiness. Granted, others can influence that happiness, however the tendency to become emotionally dependent on others, is something I probably did without even being aware of it.

I began doing things for other people because I know it made THEM happy, never mind how it made me feel. I wanted so hard to please people, I kind of lost sense of what I actually enjoyed doing, of what things made ME happy and what makes me, me. 

To be truly happy with yourself seems like a long (and daunting) process but it's not a journey that you have to take alone. The relationships you associate with should be with those who encourage you to "do you" and motivate you to become the "best version of you". They might encourage you to be braver in your decision making, they might just support you when it all goes tits up but if someone really cares for you, they will always let your happiness be a priority to you.

So, how to find your happiness? Strip everything back & start with your values. What's important to you? What qualities are you proud of? It sounds morbid, but think what you would want people to say about you at your funeral. If you live these qualities, your happiness will follow. 

Remember you are you and that is your p-o-w-e-r. 

Surround yourself with people that see the light in you and only want it to shine x 

What I'm realising about LIFE in 2k18

My love for the gym is still there, yeah I have to dig real deep and sometimes even squint to see it, but I'm pulling it out the bag more often than 2017 and we're only 5 days in. HOLLA. Also, if you listen to a podcast at the gym instead of music, time flies as if you're actually having fun.

I want to start drinking coffee through a straw. The main reason is because I'm not willing to sacrifice my two cups a day but I'm also not willing to sacrifice stained teeth. Not sure how coffee through a straw would go down in the office though. All hell broke loose when I ate spinach straight from the bag one time. Just tryna get my 5 a day y'know?

Say how you feel!!!! What IS the point of language if we don't tell people how we are feeling? I only ask that you don't offend anyone.

My anxiety has very much seen the new year in with me, I'm hoping it will find something better to do in the coming weeks. Anxiety is one of those things that if you let it, it will consume you. It will take you in to its deep dark crevices and tie you the hell down. Important thing to remember: you always have a choice. Thinking about something that makes you anxious? Change your focus. Thinking of doing something that makes you anxious? Do it anyway. Your anxiety likes to show up when you could really do without it, so it's best to learn how to tolerate it without going clinically insane.

My period is in control of my tears. Hell yes I am the lady that cried when someone won £500 in Co-Op vouchers on the radio. I mean, I didn't even know they made Co-Ops big enough to spend £500 in but I sure as hell was emotional.

New Year...

I cannot express how much anxiety new year gives me. I genuinely think it stems from the millennium where they thought that weird bug thing was going to destroy all the computers - I seriously thought the world was going to end (I was only 10 in my defence). Anyway, my new year anxiety now lies around the pressure of feeling like you have to have a good time rather than a bug that is going to destroy some computers. I get the same feeling with my birthday and Christmas Day and sometimes I feel like not doing anything at all to avoid that anxiety.

I don't make new years resolutions because I believe if you want to make a change that badly, you'll do it without that calendar prompting you. However, I do think it's important to reflect on the year you've had - whether it's putting it behind you or being grateful, never ignore what you've done to be who you are today (the good and the bad).

So on that note, I am grateful to every kind person in this world that reaches out to someone who needs a smile putting on their face. I'm grateful to be in a job where I want to do my best. I'm grateful for my health. And I'm grateful for the endless love from my family and friends. Happy New Year xxxxxxxx

"There is a lot of research showing that Facebook makes people feel like shit. So maybe, one day, people will stop using it."

Now a days it's very common to be "addicted" to Social Media. Most people that are addicted, don't even realise they are addicted, because it's the norm. Everyone's online. Everyone's on Facebook. Everyone's on Instagram. Wether it's posting pictures, updating your status constantly or silently scrolling through your timeline (perhaps judging people here and there - guilty), the majority of us do one or the other, on a daily basis.

Social Media has become a "reality" in people's lives. People take to Social Media to look for reassurance and what is portrayed online is taken as genuine. One thing I've learnt over the years is that you never know someones situation. They might walk around with the biggest smile on their face but it doesn't mean they're necessarily happy. We don't questions people's lives on Social Media because it's seen as a platform in to people's lives. We don't question that perhaps the seriously healthy meals that one person is posting is actually being thrown in the bin each night and they eat a tube of Pringles instead. We don't question that perhaps the photo of the babe in the bikini with the flattest stomach and longest legs has actually been taken 30 times and numerous angles pulled before the "perfect" shot was achieved. We don't question that the "couple goals" actually had a massive argument about the washing up before the photo was taken and straight after the photo, the argument continued.

What we are shown on Social Media is the smallest insight in to someones life, and a lot of the time, it's not the truest. Don't get caught up on how you "should" look or how you "should" behave. Self doubt is a bloody awful thing to have to try and shake off.

I think what's important to remember is that if you follow or "stalk" (not literally, just digitally. If literally then that's another story...) someone and that causes you to doubt or question yourself negatively then don't do it. Don't compare yourself to others that don't make you feel good, you wouldn't hang out with them in real life would you? Unfollow and delete. It's nothing personal, but it will help you concentrate on you and not on how you "wish" you were. Social Media used in the right way can inspire and motivate you, not make you feel like where you are in life or what you're doing in life isn't enough.

So please, take Social Media with a MASSIVE pinch of salt. You are not them and they are certainly not you. Now put your phone down. Turn off the computer. Put away your tablet. Even just for an hour, because I guarantee you can't get to know the real you without spending a little time with yourself.

EMBRACE YOUR POWER

Do you know what I'm reallllllllllly good at? Overthinking. So much so, it leads to anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Over the years, overthinking has really taken it's toll on me, it's become controlling and time consuming, it's made me worry unnecessarily and caused me countless sleepless nights. When it starts to take over your life, you come to a point where you have to try and take back some control for the sake of your sanity. 

So how is overthinking my power? It's made me more focused, if I focus, I don't lose my train of thought to mindless questions. It's made me more open minded, granted I can be opinionated, however I'm more conscienctious of the way others may think. It's made me more aware. Aware that when my thoughts are drifting, I need to concentrate on the present. And it's made me more selfless, it's made me think how other people would feel in certain situations. 

Instead of accepting traits of jealousy or anger or even bitchiness (hellooo Regina George) I've used my overthinking mind to stop myself and question why I'm feeling that way and what I can do to change it. I'm not saying that I don't sometimes get carried away in the moment, because I am after all, only human. But, I am more aware that feelings of negativity or any of the above, don't make me feel any better and certainly don't make me a better person. 

So, on this FREEZING cold Saturday, have a think about what your power is, because it might just be the trait you wish you didn't have. 

UNDER PRESSURE

*Que David Bowie & Queen*

So, this week I have ultimately felt pretty damn drained. And I mean mentally drained, not physically (I've barely moved my ass from the sofa). It's now Sunday and the things I wanted to get done this week but have ignored have mounted up be-a-utifully. I'm now forcing myself to actually get SOMETHING done before work tomorrow. As I write this I'm cycling away on my exercise bike as the gym didn't happen (again) this week.

I've found myself feeling a bit overwhelmed this week. A bit unsure if I'm making the right choices and bit unsure about myself in general really. Somedays (most days) I'm so "busy" procrastinating that I become a sponge to pressure. I literally absorb it left, right and centre. Constantly questioning myself if I'm doing enough, trying hard enough and working hard enough. I'm so quick to compare myself to others. Whether it be comparing career, comparing relationships, comparing fitness or comparing money, I question if I'm doing all I can? Am I successful if I'm not "exactly" where I want to be in my career? Is my relationship successful if I come home after a trip away and cry for half an hour because he hasn't done the hoovering for over a week? If I'm on my way home from work and drive straight past the gym (sometimes with my middle finger up) because it's too damn cold to get even dream of getting OUT the car and I'd much rather watch Pointless with a hot water bottle at home -  AM I FAILING?!

I've always believed your health buys your happiness, and somedays it takes me a little longer to remember that than others. Remembering it's okay to feel a bit shitty but remembering that you haven't always felt like that and that the feeling won't last is key. Ride out your moods, but ask yourself why you feel that way, something I've learnt is that if you learn why you feel the way you do you can control your behaviours more going forward.

Here's to a new week! Maybe I'll even make the gym...

PROCRASTINATION

If I don't have a routine, I massively struggle to get things done. I find it hard to motivate myself and always manage to talk myself out of doing something that needs doing. I'm a big believer in choosing your own behaviours however fighting the urge to sit on my phone and scroll through Instagram for an hour is one of biggest challenges (sad, I know). 

I've played with my blog on and off for many years. And, in a bid to do something I actually enjoy and to spread (hopefully) a little advice, I'm starting afresh. This blog is going to be about my life, what I've learnt and what I'm learning. I hope some people can relate to it, and if not, I hope people are open-minded enough to enjoy the reading. I also hope someone actually reads it (haha!) I will try and be as honest as possible in my writing as the majority of the blog is likely to be about being true to yourself.

Here goes nothing...! 

Progress

I'm being extra brave here...

These are some photos that were taken 2 years ago. At the time I didn't really think there was anything wrong with the way I looked. Now, the pictures make me feel kind of queasy. (Also - please excuse the mess in the background!)

My weight has always been something I've found...shall we say...challenging? I can't recall a time I've ever been 100% happy with how I look. The one thing that has dramatically changed my feelings about my body is when I push it to it's limits. Exercising has made me realise that my body is not just there to look good - it's been made to make me feel good and the feeling you get after you've achieved something you never thought you could is so rewarding.

These are pictures of me now (cringe!)

I'm of course, no where near where I want to be & my body still has a lot to go through. The past 2 years have had many ups & downs and the downs probably set me back more than I would have liked...but when I look at pictures from the past I genuinely couldn't be prouder of myself for changing.

Hopefully by posting my pictures on here it'll give me the motivation to stay focused & to work even harder.

For those who are new to learning about nutrition and/or are trying to change old habits, watch this documentary.

This kind of thing really puts things in to perspective and shows how our health/weight is spiralling out of control. The lack of support that the media, the government and shockingly - health professionals provide is appalling.

The Best Advice

This tasty recipe was taken from Davina McCall's 5 Weeks to Sugar-Free

I'm trying to be (a lot) more conscious about the amount of sugar I consume and Davina's recipe's are yummy and simple! Sugar/sweet is the only taste humans are born craving so we might not be able to resist completely but knowing what goes in to your food by cooking it yourself can definitely reduce your intake!

Enjoy...

You will need...

1 tbsp olive oil

8 chicken thighs or other pieces, with skin and bone

2 cooking chorizo sausages, sliced into rounds

1 onion, sliced

2 garlic cloves, finely chopped

2 x 400g tins chickpeas, drained and rinsed

400g tin tomatoes

200ml chicken stock

large sprig thyme

small bunch kale, thickly shredded

Get cooking ... !

1. Preheat the oven to 200C, gas 6. Heat the oil in a large casserole dish. Add the chicken thighs or pieces and brown them thoroughly on both sides. Make sure the skin is crisp and brown. Remove the chicken from the dish and set it aside, then pour off the excess fat released by the chicken.
2. Add the slices of chorizo to the casserole dish and brown them for a couple of minutes on each side. Remove them from the pan and again drain off any excess fat. Add the onion to the casserole and fry gently for 5 minutes, then add the garlic and cook for another minute.
3. Add the chickpeas and tomatoes and stir well to combine. Tuck in the sprig of thyme, pour over the chicken stock and season with salt and pepper. Pile the kale on top of the chickpeas, then arrange the chicken and chorizo on top. Season again.
4. Put the lid on the casserole dish and place the dish in the oven for 20 minutes. Then remove the lid and cook for a further 15 minutes or until the chicken is completely cooked through.

Read a book, invest in yourself, learn something new, focus, let others help you, work passionately, communicate, appreciate, stop dwelling, find an exercise that doubles as therapy, create good habits, believe, fall in love with yourself, set goals, make conscious choices, go to the gym, learn to say 'no', live by your values, find the best in every situation & discover your own meaning of 'success'

New Start...

I haven't used my blog in about 2 years and, as I'm sure you can imagine, a lot has changed. In a quest to improve my mindset I'm restarting my blog as of today! My aim is to do at least 5 posts a week (even if they are short) about my inspirations, my goals, my achievements and my life.

My first post is dedicated to a book I recently finished reading, 'Reasons To Stay Alive' by Matt Haig. I'm sure many of you have heard of, if not read, this book and if you haven't, I couldn't recommend it more.

Matt Haig delves in to his personal struggle with depression and anxiety and encourages those with current mental health problems to overcome their demons.
There are so many good things about this book but Matt Haig's honesty and openness is my favourite. The stigma around mental health is very much alive and I can only hope that Haig and his honesty has lessened it.

A few of my favourite things from the book;

"Things aren't going to get worse. You want to kill yourself. That is as low as it gets. There is only upwards from here."

"I have been ill before, then well again. Wellness is possible."

"Wherever you are, at any moment, try and find something beautiful. A face, a line out of a poem, the clouds out of a window, some graffiti, a wind farm. Beauty cleans the mind."

"Self-Help
How to stop time: kiss
How to travel in time: read
How to escape time: music
How to feel time: write
How to release time: breath"

Your mind is the most powerful thing you'll ever own and although it can sometimes feel like the most difficult thing in the world - you can have complete control over it. You have the choice, the chance, the ability to change whatever it is you're experiencing, you just need to remember that and stay focused. Different techniques work for different people so it can be trail and error. Something that has helped me massively is relating bad thoughts to a person - if a negative, depressive, cynical person were to knock at your door you wouldn't let them in to your home. You wouldn't want them around, you wouldn't want to listen to what they have to say and you wouldn't want to entertain them, so why would you let negative, depressive, cynical thoughts in to your mind? If they come knocking - stand your ground and keep the door closed. Don't entertain negativity.

respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy

count your blessings not your problems

what a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet

everything in life is temporary. so if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. and if things are going bad, don't worry. it can't last forever either.

pixies

the worst moment for an atheist is when he feels grateful and there's no one to thank

as we grow up we learn that the one person that was never supposed to let us down probably will. you'll have your heart broken and you'll break others hearts. you'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them. and you'll forget that time is flying by. life comes with no guarantees, no time-outs, no second chances. you just have to live your life to the fullest. tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off. speak out, be sincere and say it with conviction. never forget where you came from, 'cause when you do, it's a long road home.

this is you life. do what you love and do it often. if you don't like something, change it. if you don't like your job, quit. if you don't have enough time, stop watching t.v. if you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. stop over analysing, life is simple. all emotions are beautiful. when you eat, appreciate every last bite. open your mind, arms and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences. ask the next person you see what their passion is and share your inspiring dream with them. travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. some opportunities only come once, seize them. life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them, so go out and start creating. life is short. live your dream and wear your passion.

I think a lot of overweight girls are hypocrites.

I'm naturally skinny, I eat what I want, I don't starve myself and I am beautiful.

So why are you allowed to love your "curves" but it's wrong for me to love my "bones" ?

Why is it okay to call me anorexic, but horrible for me to call you fat?

If you can tell me to "gain weight," why can't I tell you to lose weight?

If you can feel beautiful for being big, I can feel beautiful for being small.

via the-unpopular-opinions.tumblr.com

Banksy On Advertising

"People are taking the piss out of you everyday. They butt in to your life, take a cheap shot at you then disappear. They leer at you from tall buildings and make you feel small. They make flippant comments from buses that imply you're not sexy enough and that all the fun is happening somewhere else. They are on TV making your girlfriend feel inadequate. They have access to the most sophisticated technology the world has ever seen and they bully you with it. They are 'The Advertisers' and they are laughing at you.

You, however, are forbidden to touch them. Trademarks, intellectual property rights and copyright law mean advertisers can say what they like wherever they like with total impunity.

Fuck that. Any advert in a public space that gives you no choice whether you see it or not is yours. It's yours to take, re-arrange and re-use. You can do whatever you like with it. Asking for permission is like asking to keep a rock someone just threw at your head.

You owe the companies nothing. Less than nothing, you especially don't owe them any courtesy. They owe you. They have re-arranged the world to put themselves in front of you. They never asked for your permission, don't even start asking for theirs."

never chase love, affection or attention. if it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having

as time goes on you'll understand, what lasts, lasts; what doesn’t, doesn’t. time solves most things. and what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself.

you can't have a rainbow without a little rain

if you want something you've never had then you've got to do something you've never done

Mi amor, mi vida

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography & lifestyle because the older you get the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times. If one only remembers to turn the light on.

The Best Advice...

...wear sunscreen.

Everybody's free.

Sing.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Live. Laugh. Love. Inspire. Create.

If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree.

Money cannot buy happiness; your health is the most important thing.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow.

Stretch.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults: if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their live, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken at your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room.

Travel.

See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Life is tough...get a helmet.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Respect your elders.

Understand that friends come and go. But for the precious few you should hold on.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

It's the little moments that make life big.

A girl should be two things; classy & fabulous.

No one needs a smile as much as a person who fails to give one.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians with philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasise that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Dreams as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow.

And...always look on the bright side of life...

But trust me on the sunscreen.